6 alternative careers for Jose Mourinho if he retired from football management
Jose Mourinho will go down as one of football’s greatest and most successful modern managers, but he currently finds himself without a job – again.
We all know the cycle at this point. A romantic beginning, a trophy somewhere in the middle, lost between some questionable football, followed by a bust-up and a messy ending.
We love Jose and we wouldn’t change him for the world, but in order for him to find his spark on the touchline once more, perhaps he needs to leave it for a little while.
Thankfully, a man with such a CV and skillset shouldn’t struggle to find a temporary career change. To help him out, we’ve highlighted six roles we think would be brilliant for the Special One.
WWE Manager
Get Triple H on the phone and get Mourinho signed up. No NXT developmental stint, either. We’re talking straight to the main roster. Mourinho is already the king of sports entertainment – he just doesn’t know it yet.
Be it a manager who leads the charge at ringside while his newly formed stable wrecks havoc or a new, heel authority figure jostling to run either RAW or SmackDown, Jose would get over with the crowd in an instant.
In fact, he’d start as a heel, but we’re pretty sure he’d end up as one of the most cheered talents in the business after a few months.
He’s already been on an episode of RAW and he’s already got the looks and the nickname. Make it happen, Paul.
School caretaker
If it doesn’t work out in WWE (it so would, by the way) or if he simply doesn’t fancy the road schedule that comes with it, Mourinho could stay closer to home and become a school caretaker.
Mowing the lawn, fixing leaky pipes and generally floating around the hallways like an extraterrestrial ghoul between lessons might actually prove therapeutic for the Special One.
And as for the hundreds of bratty, hormonal kids he’d have to deal with? Catharsis. Major catharsis as he inflicts his misery onto them.
They’d learn to love him. That and you’d trust him with your life, so him occupying the school’s keys would be no issue.
A perfect, humbling pallet cleanser which he’d secretly love before returning to the touchline a better man.
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National Express coach driver
Admittedly, this one is a bit horrible, but we’d pay to see it happen. How do you take one of the stroppiest yet hilarious men in the world and push him over the edge?
Easy – stick him in the driver’s seat of a huge coach, dropping off in some of Britain’s most desolate land, dealing with pensioners, students and everyone in between along the way.
Sit back, relax and imagine the carnage as Linda from Shrewsbury spills a third cup of soup all over her seat after already being told by Mourinho that hot food is a no-go. Respect man, respect.
All worth it in the end, though, for a big knee slide through Donnington Services and an almighty shush to his worst customers as he clocks off and their new driver doesn’t show up. This is National Express ‘eritage.
PE teacher
You’ll absolutely love Mr. Mourinho. Wednesday afternoons off every week, swear at your leisure, phones out in the PE department – the works. Honestly, he’s the soundest teacher you’ll ever have.
Oh, what’s that? You’re not really into football? You’d rather play on the rugby team? Good luck. Suddenly, two lessons of PE with him per week consist of endless running, unreasonable detentions and him still not knowing your name after three years. Borderline verbal abuse at times, too.
Can’t sack him, though. No chance. Legendary teacher among football teams across the school and the department appreciates his taste in wine.
Barber
Barbers are known for their notoriously sub-par knowledge of football, which is a rather dangerous thing to point out to them if your hair and subsequently your public appearance for at least the next month is in their hands.
Give Mourinho a pair of scissors and clippers, though, and you’re laughing. A barbershop filled with hilarious stories about the past, regulars thinking they know it all being upstaged by the master and expert trims, and iconic memorabilia all over the walls.
Unsuspecting walk-ins upsetting the apple cart and sending Mourinho on an almighty rant – good enough for a press conference or the WWE – which has the rest of the shop in tears. He’d probably make a five-a-side team out of his most loyal clients, too.
One rule, though – no silly haircuts. Skin fades and patterns off the table.
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Pub landlord
Not only would a pub run by Mourinho be heaving every day of the week, it’d be absolutely box office. None of this fancy, new gastropub guff with hipster clientele.
No chance. We’re talking hyperlocal, perhaps even working men’s club levels. Don Jose would endure a rough start, but would eventually get the regulars onside with Super Bock in the pumps, and after beginning to lose hope, he’d revolutionise the pub darts and pool teams.
Would he get too involved? Probably. Would make for historic scenes, though. Cabinet above the bar would be heaving with trophies and we’re pretty sure he’d get stuck in with the bingo and the cabaret acts on a weekend.
The perfect way for him to appreciate life’s little things before returning to football management a new man.
