13 football crimes that scream ‘utter woke nonsense’: Short corners, holes in socks & more…
The modern definition of ‘woke’ changes depending on what group of people you ask, but it’s typically become the word of the political right and their way of complaining about progress or equality.
Thankfully, ‘woke’ has been reclaimed and is now being used in an ironic sense to both ridicule the gang of merry idiots who use it unironically, specifically in the online football sphere on Twitter. You’ve all seen the Sean Dyche ‘utter woke nonsense’ picture by now, surely…
To further reclaim the word from right-wing buffoons and bigots alike, we’ve come up with a list of things in the game that we believe are utter woke nonsense and must be irradiated immediately, before PC truly goes mad once and for all.
Short corners
Data-led drivel. Nerds poisoning our game once more. Your dad reckons Jeremy Corbyn is responsible.
Get the ball in the box, cause some chaos and make the goalkeeper panic.
Complicated goal-kick routines
While we’ve got your mind on goalkeepers, we need to put a stop to unnecessary and complicated goal-kick routines.
The rise in defenders taking goal kicks, often just to pass it to the keeper who’s stood between his goal posts, to ‘beat the press’ is alarming. The basics are going out of the window and the country is going down the pan as a result.
This is a real culture war, right here. Ban defenders from going near that dead ball and hoof it up the field already.
Laceless football boots
If you’re able to use laces, football boots are always better with them.
They look silly, they’re a nightmare to get on and they’re objectively worse performance-wise. We’re not trying to get all Le Tissier here, but it makes you think about the real motives behind the laceless movement…
Ultra-Edge
Non-cricket fans will be forgiven for not knowing what the Snickometer or ‘ultra edge’ is, so to explain, it’s a piece of technology used to detect any points of contact between the bat and the ball.
Fans were perplexed when similar technology was randomly rolled out at Euro 2024 to determine whether or not a ball had struck a player’s hand.
Yet more technology is being used to police our beautiful game, as if VAR wasn’t bad enough.
Sam Allardyce might’ve been onto something with his desperate anti-AI press conference rant that one time – we’re one step away from it.
Academy players not changing shirt number
Phil Foden, Trent Alexander-Arnold, Scott McTominay, we’re looking at you – and anyone else reading this who feels offended by it.
You’ve all been senior footballers for years now. Pick a proper number and grow up.
Managers not wearing suits at Wembley
Look, we’re all for touchline garms diversity. In fact, we’ve written a whole thing about the best touchline garms.
But to make it to Wembley, one of football’s sacred grounds, for the final of a cup and not bother to suit up? It’s abhorrent. A travesty. Some might even say an international war crime.
No excuses. Wembley equals whistle flute. Always. Ban woke managers from trying to get themselves over with fancy outfits or tracksuits. It’s not on.
Holes in socks
Makes you sick, doesn’t it? Your dad prepared to send the remote through all 60 inches of a razor-sharp OLED display at the first sighting of socks that have been butchered with a pair of scissors.
Oooo, trying to increase circulation are you? A breakthrough in sports science, is it? Then why are you all still going down with cramp?
Holes in socks are strictly reserved for Jeff Hardy or those imitating Jeff Hardy only.
READ: A deep dive into the ‘holes in football socks’ phenomenon – & why Richard Keys is right
Data-led transfers
Bring back the glory days of signing players for vibes and off the back of good feelings. Proper scouting. The eye test. None of this using an Excel spreadsheet to figure out their exact projections over five years.
The game going woke has robbed us of the post-tournament, knee-jerk transfer. Think about Martin Adam getting a one-year deal at Fulham. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
Labour’s fault, probably.
Brazilians called ‘inho’
Gone are the days of Ronaldinho running the show on his own. We understand that he inspired a generation, but suddenly it feels like every young Brazilian forward is sticking ‘inho’ on the end of their name for the added aura.
Savio has recently completed his move from the City Football Group to – you guessed it – the City Football Group and in doing so has randomly become ‘Savinho’, meanwhile there’s a teenager at Palmeiras named Estevao who’s running around being dubbed ‘Messinho’.
It’ll be Endrickinho before we know it. Whatever happened to earning your stripes?
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Multi-club ownership
One of the game’s biggest problems right now. We don’t even need to explain how much of a stain these are.
Undisputed woke drivel.
Champions League kick-offs
The Champions League loses a crumb of prestige every time a game in the competition kicks off at 5:45pm UK time, in the early slot which is more commonly associated with the Europa and Europa Conference League.
Makes us heave just thinking about it. It’s always a BATE Borisov or a Ferencvaros, too. Nonsense.
The only acceptable early kick-offs are the Saturday dinnertime and Serie A’s Sunday morning slot. No exceptions.
Light shows
Sneaking into the modern game without much backlash, light shows are becoming increasingly popular, even though we’re still yet to see one person ever speak out in favour of them.
Match-going fan, armchair fan or even serial pub goer, how many times have you ever heard someone say ‘Oh brilliant light show, that!’ Or perhaps ‘we best head to the ground in time for the pre-match light show!’
You haven’t. Because nobody cares for them. Bin them off before it goes too far and we end up with half-time shows.
Short sleeves with undershirts
Just wear a long sleeve, please.
Long sleeve should ALWAYS prevail and we’ll hear nothing else on the matter.